Too Late

Mohini woke up, with her left knee aching. For a moment she was pretty sure it was going to fall off. Like every day, she thought about how great it would be to not wake up again for exactly 25 minutes. Every day, her eyes would open at 4 AM, she never needed an alarm and somehow precisely at the 25th minute, she would start thinking about him. So she would get up and braid her long hair not because she wanted to, but out of the habit that was inculcated in her by her mother. As the harsh bristles or perhaps her hasty movements drew blood from her gums, she heard the wind echoing in the temporarily empty hall. Guilt began to stem from the roots of her happiness. She loved her family dearly but she was also deprived of privacy and not to mention, burdened with responsibilities. But these 1.5 hours were all hers. Limping on an empty stomach for a while, got her to the park. Mohini just needed one look at Jagdeesh. One look and that would be enough. At least it always was.

Until now.  

“Morning, how are you?”, he asked as Mohini’s heart jumped out of her chest.  “Good! How about you?” she exhaled.  

“Ummm… all good all good” after which he continued whispering another “all good”. He looked at his shoes as they walked together but at a five feet distance from each other. A weird sensation took over her stomach, she suspected it was because she hadn’t eaten. She looked at him, searching for answers as to why he’d finally come to speak to her, after just briefly smiling at her for two years. 

“Breakfast?” she asked fidgeting with her house keys. 

“Oh! yes, I mean, same old oats. Bread at times. Haven't got the skills or a woman to get something better.” 

“I’m so sorry” she whispered. She knew his wife and him were divorced. She had left him for another man. Back when she heard the news she wondered why she would leave a man like Jagdeesh who had gone against his parents to marry her in the first place. He never received any family inheritance and was outcasted by his community. He even managed to get her a job at the same company he worked in, how could any man possibly top that?

When she left him, people said it was his karma getting him. Now she had scratched his wound, throwing him back into his past. She wondered how she always managed to say the wrong thing.  

“Although, I did try experimenting with pasta. Didn’t dare trying that again after the way it destroyed me the next morning.” he quickly said.  

Mohini laughed, he stared with a big smile, almost proud of himself. She grew conscious when she realized she’s being watched. 

“ What happened t- to your leg?” he frowned. 

“Ah! Nothing, just had a little fall, the kids throw everything around the house you know? It’s a mess!” She exclaimed.  

“Well, enjoy it while it lasts, kids are a great antidote to boredom, in fact, I think that’s one of the biggest reasons people choose to have kids. They can’t say that of course” he chuckled.  

She disagreed with him for the most part but smiled a bit, squinting in thought. She had never seen it that way. She could see some truth in it, at least in her case. 

“What is it?” he blushed.  

“Since you’re here with me just because your ‘antidote to boredom’ is unavailable at the moment.“ She teased.  

“Is that what you think?!” 

She began thinking she’d set him off and panicked.  

“No no, I didn’t mean to say that you’re bored and have nothing to do. I meant that you’re bored enough to talk to me” she blurted. His forehead wrinkled further.  

“Hey-“  

“I understood that perfectly, which is why I’m upset... why would you undervalue yourself like that? Do you have any idea why it took me 2 years to come and talk to you?”  

Her heart ran. He had noticed her. 

“Mohini, every day I used to try approaching you, but my tongue had tied itself in knots I did not know how to untie. Your beauty, your presence has put a spell on me, compelled me. I’m not even a fan of mornings, I hate it, but I come here knowing I’ll get to see you. The way you walk, like you don’t want to hurt the ground beneath you. Your... your hypnotic long braid oscillating with every step. Now that I’ve heard your voice, your thoughts are all I want to listen to. That is why I am here". 

Her eyes stung, maybe it was the cold wind, maybe it was him. She wondered if she was still dreaming, whether she was still in bed next to her husband with the unusually large wall clock was about to strike 4. If this really were a dream, she wanted it to last for 5 more minutes. Part of her wanted to believe him, but the other parts of herself, the older, dominant parts, didn’t.  

Jagdeesh took her hand in his. 

“No, stop.” She jerked her hand and moved a step back. 

He took 2 steps back and looked at her, his eyes emitting regret.  

“You have misunderstood things, I’m married and I have a family" she said as she looked down.  

“ I’m so sorry, I had no idea! I thought you-" His eyes widened.  

“It’s anyways not the age to be doing these things, you know?" She snapped.  

“You’re never too old to be loved.” He looked at her gently. She was surprised by how quickly he had identified that she was projecting the beliefs she had for herself.  

“It’s best if you keep your distance from here on.” She declared, looking at his blue shoelaces.  

“I will. “ Those words echoed in her ears as she walked back to her house and watched her family running around.  

“Bye Dadi!” her grandchildren said as they ran past her, late for school.  

Her son’s asking her for their ties and wallets. Her daughter-in-law rolled her eyes at her for coming home this late. Her husband yelled at her for his bed tea. She sometimes wished that man, would for once, stop yelling, but she knew that wouldn’t happen. She started wondering what her life would be like if she wasn’t married to a man 12 years older than her, who married her just for dowry. If she wasn’t married off at 16 and was allowed to study further like her well-off friends did.

History, that’s what she would study. If her sons would lose respect for her if she admitted she was in love with someone else. She began imagining a scenario more bizarre, where her husband didn’t look at her with disdain, where he cared about her knee pain and spoke to her sometimes even when he didn’t need anything from her. She then realized, that in every one of these scenarios, she would still be 61 years old.  

“Bye beta” she murmured as she went to make tea.

-Aditi Shenoy