wilting flowers

i think i want

to free myself from this cage

that i have trapped myself in

but my bed is made of flowers

and they'll wilt when i leave

and when i fly away

i'm not sure 

where i would go

which direction the wind would take me in

the comfort of these walls

they don't suffocate me anymore

they're warm and familiar

in the way they stand still and watch

while i cry myself to sleep

and when i hear my father

calling my name in a frenzy

the walls close in and shield me

from anything he could do to me

my soul still trembles

whenever his voice raises

i pretend to be tough

and grab the nearest object

i tell myself i'm brave enough to throw it at him

lest he does something to hurt me

but my hand trembles

and the bottle falls to the ground

i accidentally step on the glass

and the shards make me bleed

it's damage i've caused

and damage i'll be forced to clean

and he gets away with it again

and i snap out of my dream

my life has just been this way lately

i hurt and i endure

in a way only i could

i tell myself i'm good

a baby lamb, a fawn

a little girl who could do no wrong

the pervasive nature of my rage

hidden beneath my faux innocence

i sit in this cage by myself

preaching ideas of freedom

freedom. independence.

protected from the shackles

that a man would put me in

knowing all i do is yearn

to be locked in a cage

and to throw away the key

or hand it over to someone

beg him to have full control over me

to love is to be free

my love costs my freedom

i wish to be a dog

im disgusting

-Sarah Khan