The Ancient Recipe of Justification: A Secret Guide to Justifying Anything You Say or Do!

(As transcribed most unwillingly from the Forbidden Box of my ancestors)

This recipe is an age old family secret that has been passed down to me from my ancestors– first forged on stones long before papers and pens existed. My grandma kept it in a tiny wooden box away from the eyes of the travellers that visited their home for food and shelter from their weary trips across the mountains. They never understood its depth. I risk being called the black sheep of the family here by saying all this out loud, but I think the world must know! Surely, you will agree: if the cause is noble, a small rebellion must be forgiven.

Especially this secret that everyone in my family holds very very dear to their hearts. 

And what cause could be nobler than enlightening the world with what it has long been too foolish to see?

It is only right — no, necessary — that I bring forth this secret, so deeply cherished by my kin, into your waiting hands so you can live better!

INGREDIENTS:

A well drafted ingredient list

Instructions (follow to the dot for best results):

1. Begin by shrieking loudly that your Ancestors Did It. Mention it thrice before anyone can get a word in, terrify them with your voice so they won’t be able to get theirs out. Tradition and fake nostalgia are the key.

   
   

2. Carve glorious nonsense onto rocks. Declare it to be "Sacred Text." Burn anyone who says otherwise or stone them. (For more ideas, look up The Misguiding Medieval Anthology of Two Thousand Harmless Ways of Tremendous Torture)

   
   

3. Toss in Half-Truths, but stir only counter clockwise — lest the villagers start thinking for themselves. Bent it perfectly to your narrative, don’t say the whole thing; maintain space for ambiguity, let them lie to themselves– trust me, they are good at lying to themselves.

   
   

4. Sift the Pseudofacts carefully through a sock once worn by a wise man. Quote lavishly. Cite The Magical Book of how things are Supposed to be; Answers to your life’s questions from someone who lived 1000 years ago.

   
   

5. Grind the "You Were Stupid But Lucky You, I Am Here Now" herb into a paste, and slather it over the crowd until they feel grateful for their ignorance and your presence. Trust you have seen more, read more and know more; even if you haven’t.

   
   

6. Dream extravagantly. Preferably about dragons or golden thrones. Tell everyone "a vision" instructed you. Bonus points if you weep, sob and wail dramatically. Warn them not to try it; might cause fatality)

   
   

7. Slip the Personal Gain seeds into the brew while loudly wailing about the people's prosperity. Pocket all profits discreetly. They are not profits for you, but it is given to you, so might as well accept it eh?

   
   

8. Squeeze a handful of Someone Else Did It and Succeeded berries. Tell them exactly what they are doing wrong and point out your puppet who did it “right”; this could also be imaginary, but you can say you're maintaining anonymity to protect their peace.

   
   

9. Weigh down the brew with a heavy stone labelled "Collective Sacrifice," ensuring you never lift a finger. Let them nod, groan and maintain perfect silence because this is how things are supposed to be. Reassure them, “Do not worry, your rewards await!”.

   
   

10. Lastly, top it off with “Of course, the Choice is Yours” honey drizzle. Threaten gently as a warning of what might happen if they don’t follow, give examples of how people perished because they didn’t follow, do not take accountability and collect obedience.

    
    

Notes for the Wise Practitioner:

• Should your cauldron bubble too violently, blame the peasants.

• Should your lies unravel, declare it all an ancient tradition misunderstood by common folk. They are too stupid to understand the wiser ones anyway. Or you can call them a witch and burn them to silence (only do it if you see their potential threat coming into action).

• Should your success falter, announce a prophecy no one can verify.

And remember: In matters of justifying the unjustifiable, confidence is nine-tenths of the job.

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*NOTE: All my grandmother’s were great; which is why you can rely on their teachings

By Rona FS